Celibacy: I’m Trying, but It’s So Hard…

Dear Lord,

It’s been almost two months since I chose to walk down this road, and I won’t lie, but I feel like I’m dying😫😫

For every time I turn Laolu down, it’s like a part of me breaks down even further. I can already sense him drawing away from me. The calls, the WhatsApp messages, the texts. They’re all starting to flow into a steady inconsistent trickle. I fear it’ll stop all together and one day I’ll try to call him and realize that I’ve been blocked. His picture becomes blank on WhatsApp and my messages never deliver.

Would I be wrong if I said I missed the hugs?

The way he always cuddled me when I drifted off to sleep. The silly jokes he told, the fact that he loved to cook, the unusual way that I bonded with Scott 🐕 (he even let me walk him around the estate).

I know this is probably my 1000th attempt at being celibate till marriage, but you know I really mean this one. I know that my body is your temple, and I have to treat it right, nurture it and keep it pure. Every day, I ask for the help of the Holy Spirit, and it’s been a blessing to hear him speak to me. Directing me, cautioning me, helping me delete messages and communicate better.

Thank you for putting people around me who, even if it gets very annoying, have been able to keep me accountable. Some times, they have to breathe down my neck and watch my every move, but I am still really grateful.

Also, thank you so much for pulling me out of the trap I put myself in last week. I don’t know how you did it, but you did. For the first time, ‘something’ came up and Laolu couldn’t come around. I gave into a moment of weakness, and in less than five minutes, I had set up a ‘meet-up’. The Holy Spirit cautioned me and I asked for your help…. and you came through.

I chose to write this letter because I had to convey my thoughts and feelings. You already know how I feel even before I do, but there’s still no harm in doing this.

Thank you for being an amazing father who is always willing to listen. I already feel a lot better just from writing this letter. I know it’s really hard to ignore an itch once you’ve started scratching it, but I know that with my hands in yours, we can walk through this phase. It may be 2 years, or even two months till I meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but in that space between now and when that happens, I choose to stick to my boundaries and hold steadfast to you.

I know that I will write more letters to you. But they will be letters telling you about my progress.

I trust you. I love you and I choose to honour you.

Give me strength father.

With love,

Elizabeth 💞

…

I wrote this letter in one seating.

It’s absolutely scary, but fornication is one of the most rampant sins nowadays, and the scariest part, is that it has become so normalized that people have begun to see it as something that is permissible.

I would be lying if I say I haven’t asked the ‘why would I have these body parts if I can’t use them whenever I want’, but I’ve firsthand seen the effects of fornication on people, and I honestly don’t want to become a statistic.

Now, this isn’t to judge anyone, but rather to bring us into the reality of the situation.

Although the girl in the letter is fictional, this is an actual struggle we face everyday. It honestly takes the grace of God to pull us free from the hold of lust.

By your power, you can do NOTHING, NADA, ZIP!. This is why we need God’s help.

Ask God to help you today. He’s always willing.

With love (for real this time 😂)

Ihuoma 🍇