How To Grab and Keep a Village Prince

Hey everyone, I’m very sure I included Humour as a category in this blog. So here goes.

As I sit in the living area of my house with a full stomach (Fried yam and Sauce), watching a movie on African Magic Igbo (against my will, btw) titled ‘Chidera’, in which the Prince returns from ‘obodo oyibo’ to pick a wife. After maiden dances at the palace, shameless expressions of affection on the part of the village maidens, bla bitty bla bla. The Prince finally falls in love with the village orphan and misfit, and they live happily ever after (After overcoming the wahala from everyone). The End!!!

From all the wonderful ‘moral lessons’ to be learnt from this movie, all I could piece together was how to grab, and hold on to the village prince (he’s got a lot of cheddah, just in case you forgot)

In no particular order, here are my personal tips, and tricks for getting, and keeping your very own village prince.

  1. Make sure you live in close proximity to the palace.
  2. Know how to process Cassava to make fufu. This is important because the Prince has to see you hawking while he drives past. It increases your visibility.
  3. Have an endless number of ankle length pleated skirts. They make you look modest. Modesty helps you win points when being presented to the Queen.
  4. Have your hair constantly in Ghana conrows. It shows that you won’t stress the Prince with constant requests for 100k human hair extensions, thereby increasing your appeal.
  5. Know how to speak your native dialect. I cannot hammer enough on the importance of this.
  6. Be able to burst into song (even if out of tune) at the prince’s wish.
  7. To add to number 6, make sure you ALWAYS sing while walking past the palace. Sing to the guards, sing to the cooks, sing to the ladies-in-waiting etc.
  8. Arrange with your friends to ignore you, so that it seems you’re all alone in this world.
  9. Station yourself on the paths where the Prince drives past. Strategic positioning is key!
  10. Try breaking your water pot when coming from the stream as the Prince drives, or walks past. Make it look like an accident oh, or O.Y.O is your case, your mother will just rush you with abaras.
  11. Make sure your pleated ankle length skirts are paired with an entirely non-matching colour of tops.
  12. Although it’s necessary to know how to speak English. Pretend like you’re completely clueless about it. Make the Prince excited when you successfully repeat the word ‘Kitchen’ after him.
  13. Lest I forget, your fleeky make-up will have to be on hold while strategically positioning yourself. Draw your eyebrows with black eye pencil, line your lips with black eye pencil. You can choose to put ‘shori shori’, it’s whatever works for you.
  14. Remember to be polite to everyone in the village. They’ll vouch for you later.

Please note that this list is not exhaustive. I am very sure they’re still a whole lot of other ways to go about securing your village prince.

At this point, I would like to mention that my house is directly beside the King’s palace (No jokes). Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to grab the Prince. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been trying, or because I don’t even know who the Prince is, or maybe I’m not just meant to be a princess (boohoo), but I believe that if Nwamma (the babe in the Chidera movie) could do it, then it is possible.

Below is an explanation of some of the words used in the post.

Obodo Oyibo – Igbo word for ‘Overseas’

Wahala – Trouble

Fufu – Swallow made from Cassava. Used for eating soups.

O.Y.O – Used when you’re On Your Own. You entered trouble by yourself, now you must face the consequences alone.

Abaras – Slaps on the back. Common to Nigerian mothers.

Shori-shori – Dot made in the middle of the forehead with eye pencil. To enhance beauty (or not!)

Have a wonderful day everyone, and may your week be filled with laughter and happiness.

With love,

Ihuoma.

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2 Comments

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  1. 😂😂😂😂😂can we see more of these posts

    Like

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